This morning I ran my first half marathon. I was going to run 5 miles in the morning than 5 miles at night. In all honesty I have never run more than 6 miles at one time. I have rowed six 5k races in a day but I have never run that much. Some people might say that running on a elliptical is not running and they scoff that I didn’t do it on a treadmill or outside but here's A little backstory. My lack of running a half marathon by the age of thirty four starts with my first knee surgery at age eighteen. (I have had three knee surgeries in total) I have been dancing since the age of three as well as playing soccer, lacrosse, and other sports since the age of six. I wanted to play any sport my older brother did when I was growing up (he is a god in my eyes), but I also loved to dance. And by dance, I mean I danced three classes a night, five days a week. So I danced about fifteen hour a week + from age three to eighteen. So let’s just say that my body has taken a bit of abuse over the past thirty one years. Yes, I am not afraid to say that I am thirty four. Honestly, if you had asked me my age yesterday I would have whispered it in your ear. After this morning however, I am shouting it to the rooftops because I am proud of my accomplishments. There are so many things in life that can mentally hold you back from joy and that it the point of this post.
While I sit outside typing on a beautiful summer evening in PA, I reflect on the shift in my thinking over the past 24 hours. Although there are going to be sliding steps backwards in my future, as society will continue to poke its evil nose at me, telling me I’m not good enough for the world, these new revelations will help me remember I AM good enough. Reminding me to work towards my daily goal. What's my daily goal, well I have been saying it for years in job interviews but now i'm going to turn that goal on myself. My goal always has been to make one person a day smile. If I have to put on a silly accent or make a goof of myself, I want to brighten someone's day. It could be a best friend going through a rough time, a coworker stuck in a negative thought, or just the sales clerk at the grocery story; my goal is help them feel happy even if only for a few seconds. This has been my daily goal for years (at least 10). Now, I need to turn that goal onto myself. It is hard to think positive about yourself so often. I grew up being taught that you should think of others first. I try my best to put other before myself daily. Life is to short to be selfish. If only I win the greater good is left behind. It’s it more fun to ‘cross the finish line’ hand in hand with someone. If it’s a office job or a cast on stage, we want to all succeed together and give the best ‘product’ we can so why not work together instead of against each other. Internal positivity and caring about your health can boost your inner monologue about how to treat yourself. While on the elliptical for one hour and forty minutes today I had a lot of time to think about how to keep these positive thoughts flowing. First off let me talk about the gym crowd.
In life I have observed if you didn't workout with a group at the same time it was like you don’t care about your body. If you weren’t part of the crew tracking calories and talking loudly about your training than it didn’t matter that you workout out that day. I blame social media for this. Yes, I post my gains and my workouts on Instagram, Facebook, you name it. But I also motivate and do it by myself, and I DO IT FOR MYSELF. There are ‘lucky’ days where I have a workout buddy that I go with to the gym, but for the past four years I have been working out alone. In those four years I tried a bunch of diets, but I have always use the Myfitness pal app to help me keep track of progress and food intake. Back on the subject of proclaiming you training. Something I like about working out alone is I can do my plan on my terms. Like Planet Fitness saying, it’s the no judgment zone. I judge myself enough, why do I need others doing it as well. I could workout everyday so I could eat the chocolate cake, Doritos or pizza; or I could workout so I am healthy and enjoy a longer life. Having a long happy life, feeling good about myself will always be the reason I choose to workout my body. The word workout can sound so harsh to, a workout doesn't have to mean sweating out 1200 calories or running a half marathon. I’m not sure about you, but getting to the gym, getting out of bed for that walk, getting your mind ready for a workout is the hardest part! After the walk, workout, row, whatever physical activity it was I feel AMAZING!!! Let me put out there now that I am a certified level 2 US Rowing coach so I know how to train others and myself. (Rowing blog coming another time) So how do I get out of bed and go to the gym? On tour it was much harder, our schedule is ever changing. There are days where we left at 6am and mornings when we left at 11am. We also have shows at night so sometimes we get back from a show at 10:30pm sometimes later. I personally like to workout in the morning because it gets me ready mentally for the day. However, when you wake up to sit on a bus for anywhere from 3-10 hours, it’s hard to get excited for the day to then sit and knit or watch netflix. I will admit 900% that my gym time was not fully utilized while on tour. I tried going after getting off the bus before a show but that time was popular among most of the cast. Equipment was usually not available and floor space almost non existent. Plus like stated before, it was the competition at the gym that won’t give me a gold medal but rather make me feel worse about myself. So working out after the show before trying to wined down and go to bed became my favorite time to go. And now we're back at society's view on the human body and how it can affect you.
I love to compete, I have over 80 rowing medals from my years of competing and I could tell you most details about each race. But when I go workout I want the uphoria feeling at the end, I want to feel positive about my progress. The importance of physical looks of an actor is a very touchy subject. The best way I can describe one large part of my job is rejection. For no reason given, we daily get rejected from jobs. I could have been to tall, to fat, vocal range, wrong eye color, couldn’t kick high enough, there are so many reason. I bet if you ask any actor why they think they didn't get the job they will tell you “it’s my look”. The look of an actor is so important in our minds, and yet most shows I have done I was in a wig and makeup looking like I different person than my off stage look. Currently on tour I have green skin with a long black wig. My hair barely hits my shoulder and is currently dirty blonde. However from personal experience I rarely go out of a callback saying “Wow, I could have done that better” I leave saying “I look nothing like these other girls (or I am to tall, fat, ect) I don't know why I’m here, I couldn’t be what they want”. So how do I turn that rejection around into a positive. I WORK HARDER. I work on my skills, I go to the gym, I do ore human study and people watch (my favorite acting assignment from college). But most of that motivation on a daily basis is physical. I workout to be strong for the dance numbers, look more like a stereotypical actress (thin rockette style). When I’m at the gym I listen to musical theater songs and I think about how do I make my body look like other actors on broadway, rather than thinking about how to make myself feel better in the skin I have. This is a mental change that I have shifted in the past 24 hours. I love my body and I want them to want me for what I have to offer not a mold I should fit in. I have a few tattoos and I love them, but I wont say I didn’t get a few them to hide the flaws I feel like my body has. Do I want to be on Broadway, more than anything! Do I want to perform in the West End of London? So badly, and so I have put all of my life on the line for this job. I feel that if neither of those things happen than I failed at life. But I work hard everyday to make those dreams come true. I have an amazing supportive family and I am blessed to have them behind me 100%! For me acting isn’t a job it’s a place where I can feel free.
Once a day (sometime twice or three times) I get to step out of Emily’s skin and into another soul and feel another heartbeat. My ex husband never understood that I couldn’t just leave a show and automatically be back to myself. I become another person or persons for a certain amount of time, it takes time to reset into my own body. I have had many careers in my life and nothing makes me feel more alive than being on stage. I have met so many amazing people in my time on and off the stage that have had such an influence on my life. I love exploring other peoples’ stories and bringing them to life. I get to have relationships with people I never thought I would. I have experienced so many lives. Experiences that I never would of had without theater. (But that's another blog waiting to be written) But after I come down from the world of the stage who am I left with at the end of the day? Me
I have jumped all over the place on this blog but the points are clear, I need to be happy with myself to succeed at the things that I love to do. For my dreams to come true I need to feel and share positivity with others. We all do. I look in the mirror most days and I hate what is looking back at me. But when I go run, or lift, I look in the mirror and I feel like a rock star on the cover of Rolling Stone. I want to empower other women and men to feel the same. I don't want to shove diets down people throat, I just want people to get up and get moving. The day is so much better when you can take yourself for a walk, a run, a row and feel the sunshine and appreciate what you have. There will always be that one person at work that you don’t want to be around, so take out the aggravation you feel for them in your workout. Find places that make you smile (running trails, parks, gym near a coffee shop you like). I have a show I only watch when I run at the gym. I save it especially for the gym, so if I want to know what happens on the tv show I have to go workout. It’s a fun motivator. Some people love music when they run/walk the dog, I personally love to listen to musicals when I lift. When I was living in Texas I loved listening to country when I ran. Make it a fun activity with your dog, you loved one, your kids. Make a healthy choice not just for your body but for your mind. Be so happy you can do what you can with your body. If you can't run, walk, if you can't walk, roll out in the sunshine, get outside!
Whatever makes you smile, use it to motivate you to go that extra ten steps and workout your body, your mind will be so much happier for it!